


Blood Is Thicker

by sinistrosblack



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2018-11-19 11:13:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 21,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11312202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinistrosblack/pseuds/sinistrosblack
Summary: One moment, you have it all under control, and the next thing you know, everything has been thrown down and stomped on. Your hopes, your dreams, your life, lying crushed in pieces on the floor.Violet and her brothers have been on the road since the Apocalypse chased them from their home, taking their parents and their normal lives.It hasn't been easy, but it has been manageable. The good life ends with an unfortunate meeting with the Saviors...





	1. The Apocalypse

Isn’t it funny how volatile life is ?  
One moment, you have it all under control, and the next thing you know, everything has been thrown down and stomped on. Your hopes, your dreams, your life, lying crushed in pieces on the floor.  
For as long as I can remember, I had always wanted to be a ballerina. The idea had sprouted in my 6-year-old mind one morning, and from that moment on my existence had revolved around that project and its realization. Training starting at 7 am every morning and lasting until 6 every night, the endless sessions of stretching, the regret in my voice everytime I turned down a friendly invitation to the profit of my work, my mother’s everlasting vigilance towards my diet and figure… I had borne it all to become what I wanted, and I had succeeded. My dream had come true when as a teenager, I had been accepted at the Orlando Ballet School as a student in professional division.  
As for my brothers, they were both brilliant students with an exemplar discipline and a wonderful future ahead of them.  
And in the blink of an eye, we had lost everything.

There are some events you forget, or from which you cannot remember some details, as they didn’t much affect you. And there are events which stick to you, haunt your mind on a daily basis, each detail as vivid as the first time you experienced it.  
I’ll never forget the day when the world fell. Months before that, there had been rumors of a new form of plague, but the medias didn’t reveal much. The governments were worried, they didn’t know what to do as the unknown disease was spreading across the countries.  
The first time I ever saw an undead was a Tuesday, and it was 18:26 sharp. I was driving home from practice when he emerged from the bushes, limping miserably as fast as his mangled body allowed towards me. I swayed to avoid him, and had to stop the car to process what had just happened to me: it was when I realized that it had all been true, the rumors and stories in the medias, the hushed discussions my parents had when they thought we were all sleeping, the whispers exchanged before classes at the Opera.  
But seeing my first undead brought a new light to all of this mess. There was no denying and positive thinking to save us now.

I had driven at breakneck speed all the way back home, eager to pack everything up in the eventuality of a quick departure, and had even called my brothers off school. Nobody had made any objections, as if they’d expected me to call for an Apocalypse emergency anytime. We’d remained in our house, just the three of us, for a week : our parents never came home to pick us up, and the walkers began to be too problematic for us to stay in place forever. And so we packed our things, and went on our way.

The first months had been easier than expected, we were able to find food in abandoned stores almost all the time, and even some gas for our car. But as the Apocalypse settled in and the world finally went to the pile of crap it was meant to become, surviving became more and more of a challenge. Between the heated encounters with other survivors and the packs of walkers coming out of nowhere when we least expected it, it was a miracle that the three of us were still alive and together.  
Nowadays, life had pretty much settled into the weirdest kind of routine: wake up, check that no one had been eaten alive, be careful not to be eaten, eat, move for countless miles, find a good place to settle, try not to be eaten while you sleep, and repeat the next day. Strangely, I found comfort in this routine, which kept me going.

If years before now I had been told that my life would soon consist in worrying about my brothers and myself being eaten by the dead on a daily basis, I would’ve laughed and gone back to my pointé work, because it was unfathomable that such things could be true. Alas, here I was, self-proclaimed protector of my broken family, and the person who would guide them to a better place. Where that was, I was still figuring out, but we had come a long way from Florida and didn’t plan on stopping anytime soon.

 

As the first rays of sunlight peeked from behind the buildings, I yawned and rubbed my tired eyes. I had been driving almost all night after taking over my oldest brother so he could have some rest, but right now all I craved was a little pause even just to stretch my aching limbs. In any other circumstances, the sleeping forms of my siblings sprawled out on the seats would’ve been deemed adorable, but it just made my heart ache. When we had to sleep in the car while driving to someplace else, it meant we hadn’t found a more suitable place to spend the night, a place where we would’ve been comfortable at least for one night. And if we hadn’t found a place, it meant I had let down my promise to care for them.  
As a rundown gas station came into view I slowed down the car, checking the environment before I stopped the vehicle and stepped out. The place seemed empty, but anything and anyone could’ve been hiding inside, so I grabbed my dad's old hockey stick from the trunk before setting myself on exploring. I grabbed it with both hands, at the ready should anything threaten me, and entered the store. Like I had expected, it was sheltering a few walkers who had probably lost their way out and roamed up and down the alleys as an occupation. They turned to me as I entered, groaning in hunger and holding their hands out to grab a piece of me.  
I gave a good swing at each of them, smashing their skulls in the process, and they toppled to the ground. Wiping the blood on the remains of their clothes, I went back to my exploration. Unsurprisingly, most of the shelves were empty: scavengers had been there before, taking the fresh products and most of the canned goods for their personal use. But there were still some cans scattered here and there, some of them past the due date, others still good for a few months. I grabbed two cans of black beans and two of fruits for breakfast; we would come back later for the few left. Putting them down on the hood of the car, I tapped on the windows to wake my brothers.  
“Come on Ben, Julian, it’s time for breakfast.”  
They stirred lazily, to which I scoffed: it was quite unexpected to see people being lazy while in the middle of the Apocalypse, yet it came naturally to them. The perspective of breakfast was apparently enough to motivate them, and they got up, stretching their sleepy limbs which popped obnoxiously.  
“Hey sissy,” said Julian, my oldest brother, younger than me from two years. “How was the road?”  
“Clear all the way to Virginia. A few figures along the road, but mostly clear.” I replied, opening one of the cans with a Swiss army knife. “I was a bit sleepy in the last hours, but it’s manageable.”  
I kissed both of them on the cheeks, handing them something to munch on. Ben looked at my bloody stick resting against the car, then back at me with an indifference uncharacteristic of a 7 year-old.  
“Did you find anyone in there?” He asked.  
“Only walkers.” I shrug. It had been some time since we’d last seen a human being who was still fully conscious, and not just a mindless, soulless bloodthirsty creature.  
Whether it was because we were short of conversation subjects or because we were keeping an open ear for a potential threat, I did not know, but we ate in silence. With full stomachs, we emptied the store of any remaining useful good, which not only included food but also various tokens like rope, duct tape which surprisingly still stuck and cardboard scissors engraved with the name ‘Mary’. It always felt weird to find objects with names on them, as it provided them with a history; they weren’t just mere objects anymore but proof that humanity truly existed once, and that it wasn’t just an hallucination created by my mind. Mary, God rest her soul, would certainly not mind me borrowing her scissors, so I pocketed them feeling no shame whatsoever. Just as we were boarding our car to get going, a walker came out of the bushes, limping and groaning as he spotted us. Julian seized the hockey stick and approached him, greeting him with an ironical ‘Hey there buddy’, before he slammed the stick into its head. The walker crumpled to the floor, his brains spilling on the concrete. My brother cleaned the stick onto the dead’s hoodie, and tossed it back into the trunk.  
“I’m getting the hand at this, don’t you think sissy?” He boasted, installing himself behind the wheel.  
“Uh, you wish you did.” I replied, leaning on the back seats and tucking myself under the quilt. “We all know that stick likes me better.” Both boys scoffed, but didn’t say anything in return. “Wake me up when we’re in Washington, okay?” They hummed as an answer, and I dozed off to sleep.  
My dreams had all pretty much been the same since the world had fallen, a super-realistic nightmarish version of my worst fear: losing my brothers. Before all of this, I feared being injured, being rejected at an audition, gaining weight even. Nowadays, the idea of leaving my brothers to their own device even for one night was enough to keep me awake. They were all I still had from the old world, the only family I had left and the only people I cared about.  
So it wasn’t surprising that I awoke to a start, inhaling deeply to drown my panic and with my heart rushing. The car was empty when I did so. I got up hastily, getting out of the car. Julian was only a few meters away, peeing between the trees; I exhaled in relief, and leaned against the car, rubbing my eyes. Julian turned back to me, and he smiled sheepishly when he saw my tired face.  
“Nightmare again?” He asked, pulling me into a bear hug.  
“Like always. They never seem to stop.” He pat my hair.  
“We’ll get out of this, I’m sure of it.” To which I shook my head. It would never get better, only slightly less horrible at best, but never good.  
“Where’s Ben?” I suddenly realized that my other sibling was missing, pulling out of the hug to scour the place with my eyes.  
“He thought he saw a rabbit or two, he’s trying to kill them right this moment.” Before I could protest about his carelessness, he held my shoulder tight. “It’s okay Violet, he can do it. He’s lived it all too, remember? He has lived in the world of walkers and dangers with us, he’s learned to be careful and smart with his actions. Trust him.”  
“He’s only seven, Julian, and...” I sighed.  
“And he grew up in this shit-pile of a world. If anything, he adapted to it better than we did. Trust him, Vi, just do it.”  
I dropped my head heavily on his chest again, holding back a cry.  
“I just don’t want to lose you two...”  
“And you won’t.” He comforted me. “That’s a promise.”  
At this moment, Ben emerged from behind the bushes, holding a long brown rabbit by its hind legs, a wide smile plastered on his juvenile face. He was too young to bear all of this, he should’ve been growing up peacefully like Julian and I had done, not caring about imminent dangers and bullshit like that. It wasn’t fair, but what was anymore in that context?  
“See?” Said Julian, oblivious to my sorrow, gesturing to our little brother. “Trust him. Good one, Ben, d’you get it with your bow?”  
Yep, it was definitely a fucked up world. We took the risk of lighting a fire, quickly cooking my brother’s catch, and ate up. It wasn’t often that we got to eat meat, and we greatly enjoyed it when we had some. Walking around, we found an abandoned log cabin inside the woods, and decided to rest there for the night. Having slept most recently, I took the first round, and we exchanged with my oldest brother in the middle of the night. According to my previsions and the road indications, we were still a bit far from Washington, but it wasn’t more than a day or two on the roads. I simply hoped that the gas tank would bear the distance. We boarded the car again just as the shy October sun was rising over the hills, cutting through the thick mist of the morning. Canned fruits served as breakfast for the three of us, and we kept rolling across the State. I fell asleep to the devastatingly beautiful post-apocalyptic landscape of Virginia: there was a certain beauty in the destruction and the odd calm that possessed entire cities. I awoke to a much different scene, as we were back into the country again, feeling someone shake my shoulder gently.


	2. Just the three of us

_I fell asleep to the devastatingly beautiful post-apocalyptic landscape of Virginia: there was a certain beauty in the destruction and the odd calm that possessed entire cities. I awoke to a much different scene, as we were back into the country again, feeling someone shake my shoulder gently._

“Wake up, Vi.” It was Julian.

“Are we in Washington?” I asked, sitting up straight and yawning.

“Not yet, we’re close to Alexandria at the moment.” He said, fluttering his hand around to indicate the place. “We’re just running low on gas, so we have to stop and look for a station. You can just guard the car until Ben and I come back.”

I noticed the dark circles under his eyes, due to his frequent insomnia. I was not the only one whose sleep has been greatly perturbed by our condition, and since he already suffered from chronic insomnia before all of this, it hadn’t helped.

“No, I’ll go. I need to move a bit, you stay here.” I stretched, getting out of the car with my hockey stick in hand. “Come with me Ben, we’re going scavenging.” He let out a little cry of excitement and followed me closely, his bow around his chest and quiver tied to his waist. We walked in silence for a bit, the both of us attentive to our surroundings, then Ben broke the silence.

“Why have we never joined a group?” He asked.

I said nothing for a few seconds, thinking my answer through. “I don’t know. I never thought of it that much, to be honest.” That was a lie. I had thought about it a lot, wondering which option would be better for our family, but had never felt like we needed any help. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, I was wondering about it. We’ve been alone for so long, it would be weird, wouldn’t it?”

“I think so, yeah.” There was another span of silence, each of us processing what had been said.

“Do you ever miss Mum and Dad?” My heart ached at the mention of their names, and I knew by his light tone that it hurt him too.

“Not much anymore. Like you’ve said, we’ve been on our own for so long… I have come to terms with the fact that they’re….”

“You can say the word, you know.” He reassured me. “It doesn’t hurt so much now. They’re gone and I know it.” God, he was wise beyond his age, it always fascinated me.

“I know you do.” I took his hand, squeezing it a bit too much maybe. “I have you, now. And I’m never letting you go.” I kept his palm in mine until a gas station came into view. We scoured the store until we could find containers to hold the gas still encased into the pumps. I left Ben in charge of siphoning them while I searched for valuable goods. I don’t know what got into me, but I completely engulfed myself in my activity, oblivious to the exterior world. Time went by, maybe ten to fifteen minutes, and I wasn’t aware of how long I was being.

Suddenly remembering that Ben was waiting outside, I exited the store with some things I had found in its depth. I was about to call for Ben when I realized he wasn’t alone anymore. He was on his knees on the hard concrete, deprived of his bow and surrounded by a dozen of heavily armed men. Before any of them could spot me, I hid back into the store. My heart was thumping extremely hard in my chest as I faced multiple choices: go out there and kill all of them, which was very unlikely to happen since they had guns and me a wooden stick; try to escape by the back door and back to our car, but it meant abandoning Ben; or negotiate our freedom with those men, but again they didn’t seem comprehensive. I could hear them talking to Ben, getting quite frustrated at his silence.

“Now boy, be reasonable for the love of God, and tell us where we can find your group.” One of them growled at him, menacing him with his gun. I could see Ben twitching in fear, but his face was set and he didn’t utter a word. His tenacity baffled me, but this was not the time to admire his strength.

“Let me handle this, Dwight.” Said another. From where I was, I couldn’t see him, which made him even more frightening. “Listen here, kid. We know you’re not alone. We just want to know who you’re taking gas for, so we can talk to them a bit. You can tell us, we won’t hurt your group. Pinky promise?” I could hear the lie and the mockery in his voice, and that infuriated me beyond measure. After a heavy silence, the same man sighed. “If you’re not willing to talk, then I have no use of you. This will only hurt a bit, kiddo.” My heart jumped in my chest, and Ben began crying. There was no time to think anymore, so I hastily left my hiding spot, rushing to the meeting of the group.

“Stop! Please, stop!” I cried out, making every face and weapon turn to me at once. The man closest to my brother, the one who was threatening him seconds ago, lowered his barbed-wire covered bat to his side, looking at me intensely.

“I can’t believe that old thing still works...” Scoffed a blond man with a long burn scar on his face. My blood dropped to my feet as I realized I had fallen head first into their trap. They would never have killed a harmless child, but they knew the thought of it would make anyone knowing him rush to his rescue.

“Hello there, sweetheart.” The man with the bat said, cracking a sharky smile. “Terrible job you’re doing watching after this little guy, but then again it’s just my opinion and I don’t know shit about kids.” He gestured for his men to search the store, and for others to make me come closer. The blond one held my hands behind my back, forcing me on my knees while another one took hold of my stick. “Maybe now we’ll be able to get some answers. So tell me darling, where is your group?” I looked at him defiantly, determined not to say a word. He huffed impatiently, licking his upper lip, before smiling as if suddenly struck by an idea. “Where are my manners? I come here, fucking terrify you and your -brother, I suppose?- and never give my name: how fucking inconsiderate of me! I’m Negan.” He smiled again, as if the whole situation was hilarious. Maybe it was from his point of view, but I couldn’t loosen up. “Now that that’s out of the way, back to business shall we? What’s your name, darling?” No answer. “Don’t make me kill him; it would be a real waste of potential, considering he has the eye of a fucking hawk when using a bow!”

My lips twitched and I lowered my head before I let out the most inaudible and menacing “Violet”.

“What was that, sweetheart, I didn’t quite hear?” I looked up to him again to see he was smiling like the freaking Cheshire Cat. The bastard was enjoying every second of it.

“Violet.” I repeated.

“Oh, so you do have a name and the ability to speak! Can we say the same of your little brother, though?”

“If you ask nicely, maybe.” He erupted in laughter, joined by his hand men. “We don’t know each other very well yet, darling, so I’ll let you have this one. But know for a fact that I do not ask fucking nicely. Nice isn’t a part of my fucking nature.” To reinforce his statement, he leaned on his baseball bat which he stomped in front of me. I gulped hard, more terrified than I would ever care to admit. We’d met belligerent groups before, but nothing came to the level of this man and his crew when it came to scaring potential. “So now that’s it’s settled, I’ll ask you a series of questions, and you will answer them loud and clear, alright sweetheart?”

I set my jaw, my fear now doubled with anger, but I nodded my head. “Very good, we’re fucking getting somewhere, aren’t we?” He rose from his leaning position, setting his bat back on his shoulder and walking from my brother to me. From where I was, I could see Ben trembling in fear, and it was like a punch to the gut to see him like this. “How many of you are there?”I hesitated briefly, wondering if I should lie to him, and he didn’t miss it. “Do yourself a fucking favor and don’t lie to me, doll.”

“Three. The last one is a bit further down the road.”

“Where’s your camp?” He lingered a bit too close to my little brother as he asked this.

“There’s no camp. We’re on the road, we’re alone in our car. It’s just us, I swear.” He studied my face for a moment, before cracking yet another smile.

“Alrighty then!” He burst, helping me to my feet. “What do you say we go and fetch the last one? I have an offer for you three.” The malicious look in his eyes wasn’t exactly inviting, but we were facing a wall here and there was unfortunately no going back. I helped my shaking brother up, squeezing his hand hard to bring him all the courage I could, and we set back to where we had left Julian and the car. We walked a bit ahead of Negan and his group, and Ben leaned closer to me to talk:

“What are we going to do, Vi?” He whispered, looking up to me with his frightened doe eyes.

“I don’t know, Benny, I don’t know.” I shook my head. “For now, we negotiate with this man, and we’ll do what we can to...”

“You two!” Negan roared from behind us, startling the both of us. “No fucking soft mass over there!” I gulped hard, my hold on my little brother’s hand tensing even more. As we reached the top of the hill, Julian spotted us and waved at us with a great smile splitting his face, but it faltered as he realized we weren’t alone.

“What happened?” He asked as we reached his level. “Who are these guys?” I shot him a ‘don’t ask’ look, and his nose scrunched up as the other group was joining us.

“Good fucking morning, my good sir.” Said Negan cheerfully, eyeing Julian intensely. “How are you getting on?”

“Who are you, and what do you want?” Retorted my sibling grimly, frowning at the leader and his lethal weapon.

“Of course, like sister like brother, they all want to fucking know me before they deal with me- Negan is the name. We are the Saviors.”

“And you’re here to save us I guess?” Julian sassed, to which I bit the inside of my cheek nervously. He didn’t know who he was dealing with.

Negan chuckled quite darkly. “Not exactly. We’re here to make a deal with you three. A deal you can’t fucking refuse.”

“We’re not interested, we’re good on our own, so you can just-” He didn’t get to finish his sentence, as Negan kicked him square in the knee, pushing it inside in an odd angle. I watched in horror as he crumpled on the concrete, grunting from a pain which was probably more intense than he let us know. As I tried to reach him, Negan held a hand up.

“Don’t you fucking move; I think you’ve all exceeded your share of stupid for today, so now you’re going to fucking stand down and listen.” Julian tried to get up again, true to his proud self, and Negan smirked. “You like to have the last word, don’t you? Sit the fuck back down before I beat your other knee to a fucking pulp, you absolute fucktard.” Julian’s eyes flickered from Negan to me, and I silently encouraged him to sit back and listen. He did so, thank God he still trusted me and listened to me at least. “Attaboy.” Said Negan, satisfied of his control over us. “Here is how it’s going to go for you all: I’m going to take your car, and everything you have in it, and let you go on your way. Orrrrrr… I’m going to take your car, and everything you have in it, and bring you back with us at the Sanctuary.” He let his voice hang in the air for a second, his tongue licking his upper lip. “Notice how I’m leaving you a choice, right here, because I’m a nice fucking guy! It seems to me, a logical person, that this choice is very easy to make; I mean, sweetheart,” he added, turning to me completely, “you’re traveling with a small child and a cripple here. You’re not going to make them walk, are you?”

“Obviously not.” I replied dryly. Probably too dry considering who I was talking to.

“Obviously not.” Negan mimicked my words, smirking. “So tell me, sweet cheeks, are you coming with Papa to the Sanctuary, or do you consider that you’ll be better off on your own?” I cringed internally at how he called himself, but said nothing about it. I looked at my brothers for approval, and unsurprisingly I only found fear and doubt. None of us knew what to do from this on.

“Can’t you just leave us our car?” I pleaded in one last desperate attempt. “You could-”

“Stop now.” Interrupted Negan, raising his hand to my face. “I think you misunderstood me, darling. The two choices I left you are the only two fucking options there are. There is no door number three here, so make up your mind- if you don’t, I’ll decide for you. And don’t believe for a second that this choice will be good for you.” Behind that friendly smile, he was deadly serious and running impatient. So I made the hardest choice in my life.

“Okay Negan,” I said, my head hanging low in shame, “we’re coming with you.” His smiled widened, and for a moment he looked like a child on Christmas morning. When you looked at it, he was handsome in a dark kind of way. But then again, so were many sociopaths like him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author Note: please let me know what you think of this in the comments section! The only way for me to get better is by getting critiques!  
> Faithfully yours,  
> ~SB


	3. I'm Home Anywhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special thanks this chapter go to OmniaVanitus for commenting last chapter, and to Doctorwhodunit for being the best beta reader (I can't thank enough for your kind words that keep me going).  
> Enjoy!

_“Okay Negan,” I said, my head hanging low in shame, “we’re coming with you.” His smiled widened, and for a moment he looked like a child on Christmas morning. When you looked at it, he was handsome in a dark kind of way. But then again, so were many sociopaths like him._

Negan brought us back to his fleet of RVs and vans by driving our car, pretending he wanted to check if everything worked fine with the old Chevrolet. The only thing I could feel was a burning sensation of shame, and I knew he was doing it on purpose. He made me ride shotgun as he sped down the road and then back up again.

“I have to admit, this car is very surprising!” He laughed. “At the first glance, I thought it was merely a pile of crap, but it still has some fucking life in it! Familial car?”

“It is.”

He held up his finger between us, his eyebrows wriggling maliciously. “Was. Cos it’s mine now, remember?” How could I forget that.

I could have done it then; I could’ve strangled him on the spot, and we would have fled while his men weren’t close. But what if I had missed? He would’ve killed us three and left our bodies behind for the walkers to feast on. We might have been living in a fucked up world, but the last thing I was planning on was to abandon my post-mortem dignity to monsters, whether they were living or technically dead.

“You’re going to fucking like it at the Sanctuary, sweetheart. I can guarantee that you’ll never want to leave us once you’ve joined us.” He was an asshole, a first-class one for sure, but he wasn’t as bad as he seemed. He just wanted to make it in this crap life, and he had his methods. Assholish kinda methods, but still methods. As we neared a high fence, he slowed down the car and honked for the guards to acknowledge his presence.

“Hurry up, you fucktards, I don’t have all fucking day!” He called for them. The gate slid open, and the procession of cars followed us in before the alarmed walkers could enter. Negan got out of the car and spoke with the blond whose cheek was scarred. Then he put his bat on his shoulder and swaggered away, as the blond one approached me.

“Get your brothers and follow me.” He told me grumpily.

“Where to?”

He huffed impatiently and rolled his eyes. “Don’t be so fucking paranoid, I’m just giving you a Grand Tour of the place. We don’t need you being lost for the next couple of days. Hurry up, I’m more busy than I look."

Ben gave me an anxious look, and I tried to look assured as I nodded and followed the man. Julian refused my help and preferred to limp on his damaged leg, which reassured me in some ways; maybe it wasn’t broken after all. The blond kept pointing at different buildings and places, uttering a short summary of its use and the jobs the people occupied there. “What are y'all good at?” He could’ve asked us all separately, but he always addressed me. I was a leader in their eyes, although we were a family and not a group.

“We’re all pretty good with our hands, so anything construction and repairs is something we can do. Ben is good at hunting, but I won’t let him out of the Sanctuary on his own. I mean, without one of us accompanying him.” The guy shot me a _do I look like I care_ look, because obviously he wouldn’t rely on a kid for that kind of task. We ended our Tour in the dorms, and the blond pointed to camp beds which had small bundles of clothes and basic toiletrie items on them.

“That’s yours as long as you remain with us. First ones are free, the rest you gotta pay for.”

“Pay? But we don’t have any money on us, and...”

“Chill girl. Here’s how it works here: you do shit, you get points, and you can trade your points for everything you need. Food, clothes, beauty items, we have it if you can trade for it. So do your part and you’ll be able to live just fine. Got it?” We all eagerly nodded, and he seemed to loosen up a bit. Maybe we weren’t as stupid and a loss of time as he thought we would be. “The name’s Dwight, by the way. Now, if you need anything, I ain’t your nanny so y’all better find someone else to pester, okay? Fine, now if you’ll excuse me I have to be on my way.” He faked a bow and turned on his heels, leaving the dorms. He stopped in the doorway, turning to us once more: “Since I’m at it. You’re not allowed to remain with them.” He pointed at me. “Women are up the stairs. Oh, and y’all had better stop at the second floor, ‘cos after that there’s Negan’s quarters. Y’all are not welcomed in there, and better not be found hanging around it. We clear?”

He left before we could answer, but anyway it was clear that we would not go visit those quarters. The furthest we could be from that man, the better we would all be.

“You two be good, I’ll check in at the women’s quarters, okay?” I said to my two brothers, but Julian grabbed me by the elbow before I could make a step away.

“Wait.” He had his brow furrowed and his eyes were glinting with worry. “Do you really think we should stay here? Around him?”

“What other options do we have? They took everything we had! Without our car, we won’t go very far.” My arguments failed to convince him. “Listen. We’ll just wait until you get better, then we’ll see. Who knows, maybe we’ll even learn to like it in here?” He glared at me, but I chose to ignore his sarcasm and ripped my elbow from his grip. “I’ll have to ask too much of you two, once more: right now, this is our best solution, so you’ll have to work with me instead of going against the current. You heard Dwight; we’re only tolerated as long as we’re useful, and I’m not willing to take any risk to see their definition of “useful”. We’ll keep it down, shut our traps, and plan a B solution later, when we’ll all be able to travel on our own again.” Julian huffed impertinently and looked away, but I grabbed him by the chin and forced him to look at my angry face. “I’m not kidding, Julian! Your insolence already cost you your mobility, do you really want to see how far Negan will go next time? I know I don’t.” With that, I stomped upstairs to the women’s quarters without glancing back. I was angry, but deep down I was really hurt.

We’d been on our own ever since the world fell, and had never needed anyone. And here we were, kneeling to a brute. It hurt my pride and spirit, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. For my brothers, for me and for the future we could be planning under the roof of the Sanctuary. I laid on the camp bed I had chosen, and thought about nothing for the first time in a long while. The other women found me in the same position when they came in at the end of their working day. They were pretty much all covered in dirt and sweat, and stared at me like an estranged beast, none of them getting too close. One of them came to me, a tall woman with broad shoulders who had short spiky blonde hair and a farmer’s overalls.

“You must be Violet!” She said to me, as if she’d heard about me all around the Sanctuary. After all, maybe she had. Maybe the men from the patrol had recounted the story of the redhead who’d been so stupid as to fall into an obvious trap, maybe it would become a running joke between them. “I’m Leah.” I shook the hand she was sticking out for me, and she cracked a smile for me. “Do you need help finding your way for a few days? I remember I was completely lost on my first week here, so if I can help it’ll be my pleasure, really.” Another smile. Was this girl for real? I had never seen anyone smile so much after the Apocalypse. Well actually, I had hardly seen anyone after the Apocalypse, so maybe that was why.

“Thank you Leah, that would be well needed. You been here for long?” She appeared to think for a while, then nodded.

“Two years maybe? Really, you can’t beat the Sanctuary. It’s safe, the people are nice and our leader takes good care of us. I haven’t known trouble since I was welcomed here, and that’s saying a lot!”

“Your leader… Negan?” I must have been looking completely dumbstruck, because she softly smiled.

“I know what you’re thinking. Most new people think him to be merely a tyrant, but he does what he has to in order to keep the place going. It’s because he’s so hard with everyone that the Sanctuary is the way it is and hasn’t collapsed yet.” I’d always wondered how it felt like talking to a brainwashed person, but now it could be crossed off my bucket list. Would I become such a happy fool after some time here? Negan was a tyrant and had a place to run, that was for sure, but nothing could excuse his brutality. I couldn’t have known it at the time, but what we had seen was only the tip of the iceberg, a glimpse of the monster he truly was, and we would be bound to discover his other sides soon enough.

Leah brought me to the cafeteria for dinner, and I sat by her, tables away from my brothers. It felt weird seeing them from a distance, as if they were out of my reach. We’d been so close for years, and now that we were safe we seemed miles apart. It saddened me more than I would ever have cared to admit, and I silently ate my hot pea soup. As I came back to the dormitories while the others were still eating, I had the showers for myself and spoiled myself with a lukewarm shower, scrubbing the layers of dirt I had accumulated. I scraped my skin with my nails where the bar of soap wasn’t enough, hurting more than necessary, and I let the water wash away years of neglect. I hadn’t had a real shower since the beginning of the Apocalypse, and had only occasionally bathed in icy rivers to get rid of the reeking, so I welcomed the clean feeling I got when I was done. After that, I brushed my teeth for a good ten minutes to remove the tartar from them, and combed my hair the best I could, chopping off at least 20 centimeters that couldn’t be saved, watching the knotted dry hair fall limply to the ground. I cleaned after me, putting back the items I had borrowed here and there, and slid into bed.

Although it was only a camp bed and a thin cover, it was the most comfortable I had been in a while, and anyway anything was better than the backseat of the car. But as comfortable as I was nuzzled under the sheet, I couldn’t manage to fall asleep. The others had come back and all gone to bed, snoring minutes after laying down, but I was still tossing and turning, so after a while I got up, got dressed and went outside for some fresh air. It was the middle of October, but it was still surprisingly hot for the season, and the inside of the dormitories was incredibly stuffy. The breeze was fresh on my skin; I sat on the floor, leaning against the cool metal railing, closing my heavy eyelids and sighing in relief.

“Can’t sleep?” I gasped softly, turning to see my brothers standing there, rubbing their eyes tiredly. I opened my arms for Ben to cuddle, and Julian sat next to us.

“I know you don’t like this place. I do know that, and I don’t like it either.” He gave me an understanding smile. “But for now, it’s the only thing we have.”

“Half-full glass: we’re still together.” This time I smiled. It was an old game of ours, trying to find the good sides of any situation, no matter how crappy. Julian took after our mother’s eternal optimism, yet I couldn’t say the same for me. I took more from our down-to-Earth father than I cared to admit.

“Damn right.” I agreed, ruffling his hair. “As long as I have you two ankle-biters, I’m home anywhere.” We stayed this way until we couldn’t hold ourselves up anymore. Ben had fallen asleep against me, and Julian had to carry him back to their dormitories. As for me, I went back to my bed as silently as I could, careful not to draw attention to myself. Laying down, I stared blankly at the ceiling for some time, before turning my back to it and closing my eyes. I had a feeling that tomorrow would be less than great, no matter what Leah had told me about Negan and the Sanctuary. I had a funny sensation in my stomach, like every time something bad was upon us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!  
> Let me know what you thought of this chapter!
> 
> Faithfully yours,  
> ~SB


	4. The Good Life Never Lasts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your continuous support, every attention given to this story is a gift and I can't thank you enough for it.  
> I really hope you enjoy this!

_Laying down, I stared blankly at the ceiling for some time, before turning my back to it and closing my eyes. I had a feeling that tomorrow would be less than great, no matter what Leah had told me about Negan and the Sanctuary. I had a funny sensation in my stomach, like every time something bad was upon us._

I was woken up by someone shaking my shoulder, and I squinted my eyes open to recognize Leah leaning over me, her short blonde hair hanging in front of her eyes.

“Time to wake up, Violet.” She told me in a sweet voice. “You wouldn’t want to miss your first day of work.” I most definitely did not want that, so I rubbed my tired face and got up. I changed into the clean new clothes the Sanctuary had given me; like I had expected, they were a size too small for me, and in spite of my very tiny figure they clung to every piece of my body. I only brought me back to my own frailness, to each bone I could feel against my skin, and I shivered from the sensation. The 50 kilograms of pure muscle I weighted when I was a ballet dancer seemed very far, now. Following the trail of women to the cafeteria, I tried to spot my brothers in the crowd, but to no avail, and I sat next to Leah and her friends. I was eating a big chunk of bread when I felt a hand on my shoulder, again: it was Dwight, and he gestured for me to follow him, so I did. He showed me the way until the barracks’ underground, which reeked of crass. I scrunched my nose, but Dwight didn’t seem that perturbed by the smell. I wanted to ask the reason for our presence here, but it might’ve been too bold, so I kept my mouth shut. We stopped in front of a janitor’s closet, and I looked at Dwight, intrigued.

“This,” he said, “is your new office.”

“What?” I couldn't help but ask.

“You will clean the underground and the cells for 2 points a day.” he explained. “Clean more and you might get more points, clean less and you’ll get less. Simple, isn’t?”

I looked at him, every inch of my body betraying my anger: my fists were tightly clenched, my jaw was set and my eyes were burning with angry tears.

“Is there a problem?” asked Dwight smugly.

“Why am I assigned at cleaning?” I growled. “I specifically told you I could-”

“Negan’s order.” he precised. “I can bring you to him if there’s something you want to say. Is there something you fucking want to say to him about your new job?” I clenched my fists a bit tighter, but didn’t utter a word. I was angry, but not suicidal. “That’s what I thought.” concluded Dwight. “The day typically ends at 6 o’clock, feel free to leave later if your heart says so.” With that, he left, leaving the door leading outside open for me to have a bit of light. Putting aside the remains of a pride I didn’t know I still had, I grabbed a bucket and a mop, and went to fetch some water by the wall. The “wall” was in fact a cage in which walkers had been imprisoned and roamed freely: it was terrifying to watch, but I had to get closer to it in order to reach the water reserve. A few zombies clung to the fence, trying in vain to grab a piece of me.

“Fucking scum.” I muttered, more about the leaders of this camp than about the undead they kept like pets. When I had a sufficing amount of water, I went back to my own cage and began working. I soon discovered than my task was more Sisyphean than I had thought, as the crass hadn’t been removed from its place in a very long time, if ever, hence the effort and time it required for me to scrub even the tiniest tile. I complained a lot to myself, everyday in fact, but never to anyone. Every day, I worked hard to gain my points, breaking nail after nail and creating layers of callouses on my hands from labor.

And every night, when my brothers and I met on the railing outside the dorms to talk, I put on a brave face and pretended I wasn’t ready to die of exhaustion. After healing his knee in a few days, Julian worked at the construction and reinforcement around the Sanctuary, and got double the points as I did, which helped us provide Ben with what he needed since he couldn’t work for himself. Put together, our points were barely enough to get us what we all needed, and Julian and I had restricted ourselves to the bare minimum, reducing our amount of food so our little brother would get more. It wasn’t exactly the suite life, but it was manageable. After all in the middle of the apocalypse, we couldn’t be too picky, and this was the closest thing we’d had in a while to _a good life_. Of course, we should’ve learned it wasn’t meant to last. The good life never did last for us three. It began going downhill after our second week at the Sanctuary.

As per usual, I was scrubbing the underground, kneeling and pumping the sponge with my hands and the power of my arms, when suddenly my faint amount of light emanating from the door disappeared. Before I could realize what was happening, a body crumpled to the floor next to me, moaning in pain. I backed up to the wall, petrified by the apparition, my heart thumping in my chest.

“Isn’t it cute, the brother and sister are reunited in their work!” roared Negan’s voice. “Do you see it now, you fucktard? Your sister’s been enduring this for two weeks without a word, and with a better condition than her you still found the mean to fucking complain? I think it’s high fucking time you learned to appreciate what you get; or do I look like fucking Santa Claus to you?” Negan grabbed my brother by the nape of the neck, forcing him to look in his eyes. “Tell me, do I?” Julian shook his head in denial, and the leader released him. I quickly got to him and grabbed his limp body, as if I could shield him from the man’s brutality. “You’d better teach him to be grateful, Violet,” he said to me. “Other than that, good job.” He ended his sentence with a big grin, as if he hadn’t mistreated a member of my family right before my eyes the second before. He spun on his heels and swaggered out, leaving us alone.

“What have you done again?” I muttered, more to myself than as a question to my brother, upon examining his butchered face. I took a rag outside to wet it with clear water, and returned to lay it on his cuts and bruises.

“I’m sorry Vi,” he articulated, “I just wanted-” His eyes began to water as he choked on his sentence. “I just wanted a raise- so Ben could-so _we_ could...” At this point, he was a blubbering mess of tear and mucus, and I pulled him into a hug. It was the first time he’d cried since the beginning of the Apocalypse, and I knew he was letting out all his pain from our parents’ disappearance and the shit life we’d led afterwards, but also the pain from the shittiest future laying itself out in front of us. He may have been 17 at the time, he was still very much a child and was losing the end of his innocent days. “It’s… so unfair, Violet...” He kept muttering, and I had to hold back my own tears. I had always been strong for all of us, and intended to remain this way. I stroked his hair, shushing him softly until he calmed himself down. When he felt better, I held him by the cheeks, looking into his eyes:

“It’s okay.” I said. “I don’t blame you. You did what you thought best, you tried your best to get us all better conditions, and you faced an enemy greater than you’d expected. What happened today is not your fault.”

“What are we going to do now?” he asked. “We’ll never scrape enough points to sustain all of us.”

“It’s okay. I’ll try to find another job, maybe lick a few boots on the way, but I’ll find something.” I tried to reassure him, but deep inside I had a bad feeling about all of this. We were back to a wall, and had to be bold enough to dare the leap in front of us. “For now, you lay low and do what they say. This is no time for heroes, so don’t you go act like one, okay?” He nodded, and I kissed the crown of his head.

The following week, we both worked hard in the basement, scrubbing every square inch that had to be scrubbed, sometimes speaking to each other when we felt like it. It was a bit better with Julian down here, but the sword of Damocles was too heavy above my head for my heart to ever feel light. Every evening, I would go around the Sanctuary to enquirer for jobs to be done, but never got any positive answer. Most sectors were already full and didn’t need any new worker. I got a few indecent propositions along the way, and declined although I almost found myself tempted to agree if it meant getting points in the end. The lack of points was harshly felt, and I began skipping meals to make economies. I went down to one meal a day, Julian only took two small meals and we went on with our daily routines with permanently empty stomachs. It was a torture for me to work, and I almost threw up from hunger several times, barely managing to hold on to the scarce contents of my belly. I would get blurred visions each time I stood up, heat puffs whenever I did the lightest effort such as climbing the stairs or transporting water, and had to stop several times during my tasks so I wouldn’t faint. An ill coincidence had one of the leaders eating every time I met them, and I almost dribbled on myself just seeing them there. All our efforts seemed useless, since Ben was getting skinnier each day that passed, and good fortune or optimism couldn’t save us anymore. We had run out of it for good, this time.

I reached my personal limit on the second morning of our fifth week at the Sanctuary. I was out to get some water at the reserve, and was going back when I felt my head spin. My vision went completely blurry, and in spite of my efforts to remain balanced on my feet, I took a few steps sideways and fell on my side, hitting my body on the fence loudly. Alarmed by the noise, the Walkers approached me, all groaning and limping hungrily. I could see them, but my mind was too blank for my brain to command a retreat to my legs, and I just laid there witnessing my own programmed death.

“Violet!” I heard someone call. The voice didn’t seem to come from anywhere in particular, it had just appeared in my mind. It did sound like Dad’s voice, now that I came to think of it. “Violet!” called the voice again, just as I felt my hair being pulled by several hands. Was I dying? I couldn’t think straight enough to realize if I was. The pulling suddenly stopped, and someone touched me behind the back and on the cheeks. Strong, solid hands. They had to be Dad’s.

“Daddy?” I asked, trying to focus on the origin of the voice.

“I guess you could say that.” chuckled the voice. The grip on my body tightened, and I left the ground. “Fucking Hell, Violet, have you been eating?”

“I’m happy to see you again, Dad.” If I had been in my right mind, I would’ve remembered Dad never swore. He thought swearing was for rednecks, and had never sworn in his entire life. But my mind had long left my body. If only it had never returned.

Even to myself, waking up a few hours later felt like a miracle, and I gasped dramatically as I did so like they always did in the movies of the old time. “You took your time, didn’t you Sleeping Beauty?” I sat down in the bed to see him seating just across from me.

Of course he had to be there to witness me at my weakest. He had planned it all so I would collapse in front of him and pledge the rest of my miserable life to him. “I know you schemed all this, Negan.” I simply stated, although my throat was horribly dry. “Don’t you go play the hero card on me.”

He studied my face for a moment, then smiled. “I was about to offer you food, but if you don’t want my help then it’s too fucking bad.”

“I want your food.” I admitted. “I just don’t want what it’s going to cost me.”

“Always so fucking mefiant, Violet! Consider that, this time, I’ll let you off with a little treat.” He smirked again, which only increased my nervousness. My eyes went from the food to him in quick movements, but I was unable to make a decision and he grew annoyed.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, eat it!” He said, tossing me grapes and bread. I had to force myself to eat slowly instead of gluttoning it down as fast as I could, which would’ve only made me throw up. “I have an offer for you.”

 _Here we go,_ I thought, but I remained silent. “I’ve been watching your merry happy family turn into grim skin and bones in a matter of weeks, and I don’t fucking like it. You may not believe it, but I actually care for my people, and so far I’ve been doing an ill fucking job at caring for you three.” I scoffed at the euphemism, but he didn’t pick it up. “That’s why I come to you with an offer.”

“Why don’t you drop the act with me, Negan?” I interrupted, frowning. “I can see clear through your games. Just spit it out already.”

He smirked at my insolence, and stroked his beard. “I believe you know Sherry and Amber?”

I couldn’t say I didn’t know them, they were among the Queens of the Sanctuary. They couldn’t be told no or anything that didn’t go their way, all because they were Negan’s wives. Just as I thought that sentence, I understood Negan’s proposition, and all of my blood dropped to my toes.

“Never.” I spat out.

He studied my face for a few seconds, then stood up with a grunt and tutted as he neared me. He sat on the bed. “Oh Violet,” he said, “I didn’t think you so selfish. What about your brothers, then? Are you going to let them starve to death, just because you can’t make concessions?” He tutted again, looking away.

“I’m willing to do anything for them. But this,” I winced just thinking about it,” this is above my abilities. I’d rather die than give myself to you, Negan.” I stood up from the bed, thankfully still entirely clothed. “Mark my words.” I slid into my shoes and promptly left the room, grabbing a remaining loaf of bread on the table.

“I just did.” He laughed in my back.

  



	5. Morbid Manhunt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support! Special thanks to Izzybug for commenting on the previous chapters!  
> Enjoy!

 

“ _I’m willing to do anything for them. But this,” I winced just thinking about it,” this is above my abilities. I’d rather die than give myself to you, Negan.” I stood up from the bed, thankfully still entirely clothed. “Mark my words.” I slid into my shoes and promptly left the room, grabbing a remaining loaf of bread on the table._

“ _I just did.” He laughed in my back._

What happened that day remained a secret between me and our leader, even when everyone who had seen me come out of his quarters questioned me about it, or when my brothers tried to learn the complete story of my misadventure. Thankfully, after I had made it clear that nothing had happened and that our conversation would not leave the walls of the room, the curiosity and interest in my whereabouts dropped and we went on with our daily lives. Julian and I remained in the basement, where we scraped the floor and walls every day, our will to feed our brother overcoming our constant exhaustion and hunger.

A few days went by before I saw Negan again, as he had been very absent since our meeting, and he didn’t even greet me when he passed me by as I kneeled. Just as I was getting up to join the basement, his voice rose behind me.

“The gardens are the other way, Violet. You wouldn’t want to miss your first day on the job, would you?” I turned back to face him, questioning him with my eyes. “Well, don’t fucking stand here like a damn potted plant, go to the gardens.” He huffed in an annoyed manner, but I could see a hint of mischief in the way his eyes rolled and his cheeks twitched. He turned and left before I could decipher him more, and I dropped my bucket and rag in a corner before heading to the crops. The people working there raised their heads curiously at the sound of my arrival, and I recognized Leah waving at me enthusiastically so I joined her side.

“Violet, you got a promotion?” She excitedly asked me.

“As a matter of fact, I think I did, yeah!” I smugly answered, brushing it off like it was nothing.

“I always knew you’d be able to get a better job with time,” she assured me. “It’s good, it means our leaders trust you. I’m happy for you, Violet!” She tentatively half-hugged me, and I patted her on the shoulder. She released me when a supervisor approached us and told us to get back to work, throwing me a pair of gardening gloves. The warm November sun was blinding me, I was being watched at all times by a rude man and my back hurt from bending so much, yet I couldn’t help but smile on the inside: I had gotten a promotion from my grimy basement, which meant I would get more points and I would be able to give more food to my brothers! The perspective filled me with joy, and suddenly all the little things that made this situation bad weren’t so awful after all.

At lunch, I met up with Julian and Ben, and explained the whole situation to them when the older boy asked where I had been all morning. They were both thrilled to hear about my upgrade, and I saw them smile genuinely for the first time in what seemed like forever. We all went back to work with an almost empty stomach but with an equally light heart, and I didn’t even see the day go by. We were finally settling into a nicer routine of being tired and hungry almost all the time, and we were happier than we’d had been ever since we had joined the Sanctuary. It’s when I reflected on how life was finally treating us better that I should’ve understood that something awful would soon tear it down.

One morning, Julian didn’t meet us for breakfast. Thinking he was probably still asleep, I sent Ben to get him, to no avail as the little one came back alone and confused. Seeing no sign of him around made me grow worried, and I forgot all about breakfast to go search the camp before my work hours. I tried to question every guard I met, but they all brushed me off as the passed me by, apparently in a hurry. Something weird was definitely going on around the Sanctuary, and I hoped to God that Julian had nothing to do with the frenzy.

I arrived on the main street of the place, looking around while pulling at the roots of my hair, trying not to lose it to my anxiety screaming inside me that my brother was lost forever. A burst of shouting caught my attention, and I saw that a guard was brutally shouting insults at a child while the mother was watching from the side, not daring to say anything against the man bearing a gun.

“Hey!” I called, and he turned his focus to me while the child ran away to his mother. “Leave him alone.”

“Who do you think you are, girl, Wonder fucking Woman?” he spat at me, walking menacingly closer. “Fair advice, mind your own fucking business. Pretty faces like yours don’t last long around here unless they stand where they belong, under us.” He poked me with his finger repetitively and quite hard each time, but I didn’t look anywhere but his eyes. “So lay low.”

“Tony,” chanted a voice behind him. Should I have been deaf, I would’ve known who it was from the way my oppressor’s face fell and how quickly he stepped away from me. We both kneeled, and got back up to stare into an apparently friendly and open face. “Why are you annoying this lady?”

“She was looking for trouble, and-”

“Really? Is it a family thing to trouble the order in my place, or is it just a personal impression? Because between your brother and you, I got some fucking extra work to do, Violet!”

My eyes lit up at the mention of Julian. “Do you know where he is?”

“At the moment of speaking, nope. But I know two guys who might have seen him last.” He walked past me, brushing against my shoulder as he did, and turned to face us. “You coming or what? And Tony… get the fuck out of here.” I didn’t get to see my bully whimper away like an injured dog, as I followed the leader up to the doors of the camp.

“If you don’t mind me asking, why is everyone on the nerves today?” I asked, slightly jogging to follow Negan’s quick stride. He looked at me, all trace of his previous smile gone, and a chill ran down my spine at his stone cold look.

“You’ll see soon enough, darling.”

As we got closer to the doors, I first noticed a mass of people standing in a circle, then I saw that a whole fleet of cars and bikes were started and ready to hit the road. Both curious and frightened, I followed the man with the bat to the mass, where he greeted the men while I stayed a bit setback.

“Violet, come take a look.” He gestured with his index for me to approach, and the circle of men opened for me, revealing two mangled bodies lying in pools of their own blood. I opened wide eyes at the sight of the corpses, but thankfully noticed that none of them was Julian.

“Now you must be wondering, “Why the fuck did he make me see that?”; well Violet it’s fucking simple. The goddamn animal who did this to my men is your goddamn brother you’ve been moving Heaven and Earth for all fucking morning.”

I covered my mouth in shock; there was no way my brother could’ve done this… or was it? He wasn’t exactly the killing type, but I knew the Sanctuary made him go insane with its strict rules and diktat. “He left this night by the front door, killing two men and stealing a lot of shit. Fucker didn’t even leave a thank you note for everything he had here. Can you fucking believe that?”

In any other case, I wouldn’t have believed it. Julian wasn’t that selfish, and there was no way he would’ve left without even telling us about it beforehand. And should he have told us, we would’ve all left together last night. But this, escaping behind our backs… that didn’t sound like him. And yet…

“But no worries. I’ll help you find him. Hell, I’m gonna send all my fucking escadron to bring him right back to us. Because we might be nice and helpful, but nobody fucks us in the ass like that little shit did without consequences.” His men loudly approved of his words, then climbed into their vehicles and made the machines roar in a thundering concerto which made my heart pound. Negan swung his bat onto his shoulder and headed to one of the trucks, and before he could slam the door I rushed by his side:

“Please don’t hurt him, please...”

All I got was a contemptuous smirk and a matching eye roll: “Sorry sweet cheeks, no can do. Your brother has it coming, and he’s in for a rough time for sure.” I could feel tears rushing up to my eyes at his menacing tone and words. Julian would never return from his escape if I didn’t stop the search party here and now.

“Let me come with you. I’m begging you, please let me help you find him.” Negan looked curiously into my eyes for a few seconds, then threw his free hand in the air.

“Fucking hell, Violet, I can’t resist them doe eyes,” he sighed, sliding on the seat to open the passenger door. I rushed in, climbing next to him. “Just this once, doll.”

“Thank you so much-”

“Yeah, don’t get used to it,” he grumbled, revving the engine up the driveway and through the doors of the Sanctuary. “That’s a one time thing. I don’t usually do it, and I’m only doing it because you’re a fucking beautiful girl and I don’t get those in my truck often.” He smirked to himself, seemingly proud to have made me shift uncomfortably in my seat. The upside of the situation was that my brother had better chances of survival should we find him today, but I hadn’t thought the downsides through, which was that until we had a lead, I would be sitting next to Negan in silence. Or worse, I would have to talk to him.

We didn’t speak for 20 solid minutes, the only sounds filling the void being the noise walkers’ body made when we ran them over, splashing the windshield with blood and guts.

“So...” I finally said, getting his attention. “What’s your story?”

“What is this, Alcoholics fucking Anonymous?” He sneered. “I don’t talk about that, doll. And you shouldn’t, either. Who we were before shit hit the fan doesn’t matter anymore. What does matter is who we are now, who we’ve become and who we continue to be as we wake up everyday. That’s what you should focus the fuck on.”

I reflected for a few seconds on what he had said, and I was actually dumbfounded to find such logic and depth in his philosophy. “I never expected you out of all people to be so poetic and philosophical,” was all I could find to say that was witty enough.

“Bite me,” he spat, but with a little smile. “Ain’t nothing poetic about surviving like I do.” His radio creaked and he asked what was going on into the receiver.

“We found the car, boss. It’s parked right by the lake. Over.” All my blood dropped to my feet as I suddenly remembered the gravity of the situation.

“I’m glad to hear that, Dwight. Fucker can’t be near, now. I’ll be here in a few; over and out.” He dropped the radio back in its place and winked at me. “Buckle up, sweetheart.” And with no further warning he made a U-turn towards the location Dwight had indicated. While we jumped and bumped into each hole in the road at inconsiderate speed, my mind was racing even faster to find ideas to save my brother. In this game of hide and seek, I would have to be much faster than the Saviors if I wanted to find Julian in one piece. Due to how fast we were going, we soon arrived at our destination, and I jumped out of the truck before I could be locked in.

“Alright, boys,” vociferated Negan to his men, “let’s hunt the fucking traitor. If you find him… kill him.”

I gasped loudly before I could hold myself back, and Negan roared with laughter. “Just kidding, relax! Just shoot him in the legs if he runs. Let’s avoid any useless trip to the doctor’s if we can help it. I don’t have all damn day, so get moving!” The Saviors scattered into the forest, their guns and diverse weapons in hand, ready to fire at will. I didn’t trust any of these men to let my brother live, so I caught Negan by the arm before he could leave into the forest too.

“Don’t kill him. It’s the only thing I will ask from you, please. Judge him if you really need to make an example, but let him live and atone for what he’s done.” I was fighting real hard against the mist threatening to cover my eyes, fighting to show that I didn’t fear him and that I was brave enough to stand up for my ideas and desires. I had grown to understand if there was anything Negan understood and quite respected, it was determination and great courage; two things he didn’t encounter much at the Sanctuary and in the people who lived there in fear of him.

“Violet, Violet… you’re really bold, you know?” He smiled, but it was a bone-chilling smile. “I like that! But the rules I make, well… they’re the rules. And if anyone breaks them, they all get the same punishment. But I’m gonna be a nice fucking guy, and be fair-play about this: have you ever played capture the flag, Violet?” My eyes grew wide in understanding: I was going to play solo against all the Saviors into this wide-scale, morbid manhunt for my own brother. “Rules are simple: you find your brother first, we get him back to the Sanctuary and decide later what happens. My team finds him first...” He hissed and raised his eyebrows as a sign of the bad things to come.

“Say no more.” I heard myself say. “I will find him first.”

“May the best win, then...”

And in the blink of an eye, I was already deep into the woods, trying to think as quickly as I moved. They had guns, but I had the slight advantage of knowing my brother better than anyone else, so it was easier for me to think like him and trace his mental scheme into my own head. It wasn’t long after that I stumbled upon tracks that indicated a recent passage: fresh prints in the mud, broken branches and crunched leaves.

My siblings and I had never been hunting, but sometimes it was hard to tell since we had learned a few tricks from our Texan uncle Ted, who had hunted all his life and demanded nothing else but to pass on his knowledge. Of course our mom was fundamentally against the idea of ever seeing us carry weapons to shoot animals or even just to try and wield them, and technical details were all we could get from Ted when he visited us for the holidays. In the beginning of the Apocalypse, I would always wonder how he was doing, and always silently thank him for teaching us the things he knew, as it was probably because of his legacy that we had lasted this long. And today’s manhunt was just another occasion to praise him, because I didn’t need any proof to be sure that Julian’s trails led nowhere. He had probably made them and walked in the other direction, which was exactly what I was going to do. And I knew that he would be right where I expected him to be. The only thing I hoped for was that the Saviors would be thick enough to follow the trails and fall for his trick.

As I walked the opposite way, I spotted very discreet tracks in which I made sure to step in order to cover them, and I clapped my hands in a distinct tone we had agreed to use when we needed to find each other. I soon heard an echo of my claps, and my heart leaped in my chest as I hurried towards the sound.

“Julian?” I kept asking around every bush. “Where are you?”

“Up here,” said a voice from a few meters away. I looked up to spot my brother perched on a tree, in a precarious balance.

I sighed in relief, and wondered how to greet him: all my emotions and thoughts were tumbling in my mind, and I didn’t know whether to hug him or hit him for his stupidity and selfishness. “What were you thinking?” I hissed. “Get down now!”

Before he could answer, a single shot pierced the silence. Julian dropped like a stone before I could do anything, and behind us a laugh roared.

“Did you fucking see that?” laughed Negan. “Talk about a lucky fucking shot! Pack him up, I’m framing him on my wall tonight!” He cocked his gun, letting the empty round fall out. As he walked pass me, he smirked and leaned closer. “Looks like I won...”


	6. Until I Bend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the long silence... I've been caught up in college business lately. But I'm back stronger than ever for the return of The Walking Dead on TV, with a record wordcount of 3349 words!
> 
> Special thanks to users Izzybug and Ophelia fro their comments on the last chapter. I am forever grateful for your support on this work, and I hope you like the new content!

“ _Pack him up, I’m framing him on my wall tonight!” He cocked his gun, letting the empty round fall out. As he walked pass me, he smirked and leaned closer. “Looks like I won...”_

 

“What about the rules?” I asked, walking quickly by his sides to prevent him from moving any closer to my brother. “You said if I find him first, we bring him back to camp. Those were your terms Negan, and you’re not respecting them!”

“If you look closely into your brother’s shoulder, you’ll notice one of my bullets, so technically the capture was my move.” He tried to shove me aside, but I stood my ground and stayed in front of him.

“You never mentioned capturing him. Your exact words were-”

I couldn’t finish my sentence as he brutally shoved me on the ground, cutting me off. I fell with a heavy thud into the dirt, scratching my palms on pebbles. “I know damn well what I said, but you know what else I know? That you’re not the one in fucking charge here, but I am.” He hovered above me, towering me with his full height as I tried to scramble to my feet. “And you better remember that the next time you think you can fucking boss me around. You’re nothing to me, Violet, and I’ll have no fucking problem bashing your brains in if you keep being a pain in my fucking ass.” I just kept still, my chest going up and down really fast from the fear he was inducing in me, and I found none of my courage and wit left to stand up to him once more. I felt like a tightrope walker who’d tried to walk too fast and was swaying dangerously because of it: one false move, and I was done for. “Get back to the truck, now,” he commanded, and I complied without another word, making sure not to make any eye contact. “Load him up, we’re leaving.”

 

The ride back was even more silent and awkward than when we got there, because I couldn’t even look his way in fear of crossing him again, and yet I could feel the tension inside the vehicle like it was physical. Maybe it was the faint creak his gloves made as he gripped the wheel tightly, or the way he would huff in annoyance every now and then, but something in his attitude discouraged any attempt on my part to engage a conversation, so I just mindlessly looked at my dirty skinned palms. We both minded our own business for a while, until his gaze shifted from the road to me, as I was still picking at my hands: he swiftly snatched one of my hands, and I gasped as I pressed my back to the door.

“You’ll show that to Carson when we get back, it ain’t nothing serious.” He let go of me, focusing back on the road, and I held my wrist as if it could fall anytime. “What’s up, you don’t remember how to fucking speak? I thought talking back at me was your biggest fucking talent?” He snickered, but I still had my throat tied and was not able to utter a word. “Loosen up, Violet, God damn it! You’re not dying today, if that’s what’s holding you back from fucking talking.”

“That’s only mildly reassuring.” I finally managed to articulate.

“So you do talk!” He joked, throwing quick glances at me to see I was still not looking his way. “What fucking got into you?”

I huffed, and kept looking away. “I don’t… I never know which way the wind blows with you. You’ll just treat me like I’m nothing one second, then care for me and try to make small talk, and I don’t know- I don’t know how to be around you.”

“The wind blows whichever way it fucking needs to, Violet, simple as that. As to how you have to be around me, that’s up to you to figure out: I don’t want to loose the wayward gal I picked up on the road, but if you’re gonna be sassy with me in front of the others, then so help me I’ll fucking beat your ass into next week. I know you’re smart enough to understand that, darls.”

 

I scrunched my nose at the nickname, and he picked up my mood swing immediately, grinning widely and patting my leg. “That’s more like the sassy little shit I welcomed.”

He said nothing else during the whole trip, but I could feel the mood had considerably lightened up inside the vehicle, at least on his part. Despite the way things were going, I was still hoping I could get him to listen to me when we got back to the Sanctuary. I shifted in my seat again, this time a bit more comfortably and more towards the driver than towards the window, and put my knee up against my chest with my foot on the seat.

“Why sit like that unless you’re twelve years old?” He muttered, more to himself than to me, but I jumped on the occasion to sass him. Maybe if I made him loosen up, the discussion would be more open and easy later in the afternoon.

“Who are you, my dad?” I raised my eyebrows jokingly, and he smirked.

“Only if you’re into that sort of things, darling.” My cheeks turned a hot pink, and I had to look away so he wouldn’t catch my embarrassment. Of course he did, and roared with laughter. “Two can play this game, Vi, and I’ll have you know I’m better than you at it.” His laugh died out, but before the silence could settle once again in the vehicle, his face turned stone cold again. “Enough with the fucking comedy show, let’s get straight to the point.” At the sight of my surprised face, he rolled his eyes. “How fucking dumb do you think I fucking am? Just cut the crap and tell me in the least whiny way possible what the fuck you want.”

I grasped what courage I had left, and spat out the sentence I had been polishing in my head for so long: “Please reconsider Julian’s death penalty. He means more to me than you can imagine, and I’ll do all it takes to make you change your mind.”

“If I remember correctly, I took a mental note of something you would never do, under any circumstances.” Of course he had to bring up that moment. “What changed your mind?”

“I’m still working on my options.” My answer was ridiculous. It made my cheeks turn a hot shade of pink, but Negan didn’t say anything of it and we didn’t speak any more until the Sanctuary.

As soon as the truck came to a stop, Negan jumped out and commanded that my brother be taken to the cell block without any contact with me or anyone. I tried to go after him, but Negan caught me by the arm:

“You do not talk to him. You do not visit him. If you get within 10 meters of this block, you will fucking regret it and so will he. Now it’s up to you to show me why I should spare him, Vi.”

 

He left me with that threatening sentence, and I silently went back to the dormitories to find Ben. As expected, he was still there, sitting on his bed and weaving some straw he had probably pulled out of his bedding.

“I found him, Ben. You don’t have to worry anymore.” It was not what I should have said. It was not what he needed to hear. In this moment, it seemed like nothing I could’ve said would’ve made him feel any better, so I just pulled him into a hug and let him cry on my shoulder as long as he needed. I almost cried too, but held myself back from showing my true colors to Ben: if someone was the pillar of this family broken by tragedies, lies and ploys, it was me. It had always been, and it would always be, no matter how treacherous my brother had been and no matter and weak we were all becoming.

 

We would keep standing until I decided to bend.

 

We had resisted to oppression ever since the world had fallen. Looking back on it now, it was a miracle that we had gone this far without major problems and injuries, because we had narrowly escaped conflicts with groups far more powerful than us more than once. The Saviors hadn’t been our first lethal encounter, but they were a new form of threat we could’ve never been able to fight if we tried. And if there was one thing we had learned by living among them, it was that they couldn’t be overpowered, especially not by two underfed teenagers and a starved young child.

I had stubbornly refused to see it, but we couldn’t beat the Saviors at their games. They would keep us at the Sanctuary until our last days, holding us down with our own fears. I couldn’t beat Negan at his own mind game. He had been around the block before, probably with blockheads who feared little like me, and he had gotten them all under his control. He’d had the high ground from the moment we had met on that parking lot, I just understood that very late. I couldn’t have known it when he first enunciated it, but his offer wasn’t negotiable. It had never been.

 

Everything struck me one morning when I was working in the fields with Leah and Ben, a week after Julian’s escape and capture. It was a very hot morning, and any kind of physical effort was like torture for my aching muscles, which hadn’t been properly fed in what seemed like decades. Long gone were the days when my legs would lightly spring me off the ground in the most glorious of _grand jetés_ , or when one of my feet could support my entire weight. Nowadays, both feet were barely enough to keep me standing.

Next to me, Ben was picking at the ground, his tool probably too heavy for his tiny body: since Julian had been imprisoned, Ben had started working in the gardens with me so he could get some points. He suffered from the heat a lot, but he never complained and did as he was told without a word. He stopped to wipe his forehead and breathe, and I suddenly noticed just how red his face was under that large hat of his and how quickly his chest was rising and falling.

“Ben,” I said, “is everything alright?”

 

He looked my way, and I just had the time to see the emptiest eyes he had ever had before he fell face forwards, right into my arms.

“Help!” I called, but nobody moved. They all glanced towards the guard, then back at their work in fear and shame. Leah was the only one to react, letting her basket down and rushing to help me.

“He’s still breathing, but his pulse is very weak,” she said after checking his neck.

“We have to take him to Carson’s now,” I told her, picking my brother up with startling ease. He couldn’t have weighted more than 55 pounds, which almost made me tear up.

“Get the fuck back to work, you two!” barked the guard, standing up so he could see us.

“My brother passed out, we’re taking him to the doctor.” I tried to walk out of the gardens, but he stopped me on my way.

“Leave him there, and get back to work. He’ll come back when he’s rested enough.”

“Are you fucking retarded? He needs to see the doctor now!” My voice was increasingly loud and urgent, due to my anxiety level rising up. “I have no obligation to be here, let me through.”

As he wouldn’t bulge, I passed Ben into Leah’s arms as she tried to sneak past him.

“Who the fuck do you think you are, bossing me around like that?” He shoved me, but I stood still, balling my fists. “Now get back to work you little slu-”

I didn’t even see the hit go, but I did feel my fist connecting with his jaw in a powerful uppercut and the hot pain seething through my arm. For a second, I worried I had broken my hand against him. He toppled to the ground immediately, and people gasped at the impact of his body crashing down. I looked around, ignoring the gazes on me, and gestured for Leah to come with me as I sprinted out of the gardens. The guard wouldn’t be out too long, and I didn’t want to be around when he would come back. We ran through the Sanctuary, passing by the dormitory building on the way, and I stopped when I spotted Negan’s unmistakable frame through his window.

There was no way to beat the Saviors. There was no way to save my family from them.

Not unless I became more powerful than all of them.

 

It broke my heart, but I knew what I had to do.

 

“Violet!” called Leah, a few meters from me with Ben still in her arms.

“You take care of him,” I told her, “I have to do this right now.”

She shook her head in confusion, but left running as I shooed her away.

“Fucking come back here you bitch!” the guard I had previously knocked out was already wide awake and he didn’t look too pleased. I saw him break into a run, his fists balled and his jaw set, ready to beat me as soon as he would catch me.

So I ran, straight to the dormitories, and I climbed the stairs two by two, deploying the last forces I had been hiding somewhere, until I reached Negan’s quarters. As the guard came into view, I went to open the door but the handle resisted me.

My heart stopping cold in my chest, I realized it was locked, and so did the guard, who smirked satisfactorily.

“You look so fucking stupid right now, you little bitch,” he mocked me, standing only a few feet away from me now, taking his sweet time before he beat the living shit out of me. “How’d’you think this would turn out, uh? How can you still think you’ll be the winner here?”

 

He probably didn’t mean them to, but his words weren’t only alluding to my dead-end situation, they were summing up my existence in the Sanctuary. From the day I arrived, and until the day I would start turning to dust underground, I would never be the winner.

“I will never stop trying to be.”

 

He stared at me, and laughed cruelly, before kicking me in the stomach. As I crumpled to the floor in pain and coughed, he crouched next to me still laughing.

“People like you can’t win this war.” He grabbed me by the jaw, forcing me to look into his cold eyes. “You think you’re strong but you’re fucking weak. You’re a disease to this community and a parasite in our working chain. No one’ll regret you if you die. No one’ll even notice that you and your brother didn’t turn up for work tomorrow, after I kill you both.”

“Don’t- you dare.”

“Or what?” Before I could answer, he forced my head to the ground by stepping on my hair, and raised his other foot in the air, right above the nape of my neck. “I’ll see you in Hell.”

 

There was a distinct crack, but when I opened my eyes I was still alive. I looked up, my head free again, and saw that the door had finally been opened, revealing just the person I needed in this moment.

“Would anyone care to explain what the flying fuck is going on here?” asked Negan, his piercing gaze shifting from the kneeling guard to me sprawled out on the floor. He helped me up, and motioned for the other to get up as well. “And what’s your name?”

“Timothy, sir.”

“Timothy- can I call you Tim? Alright Tim, I’ll need a fucking explanation right away before I start imagining things I don’t fucking like.” There was no point in the guard saying anything, as Negan had understood immediately exactly what was going on. Maybe he had even heard the whole thing from behind the door.

“I heard her fall down sir, and I thought I’d help her get up, but I’m uh, very clumsy, and uh, I stepped on her hair by accident sir.” He had lost all of his attitude in the blink of an eye, and now he was looking anywhere but at the leader. I almost felt pity for him: Negan was just torturing him like a cat plays with a mouse before it eats it, and just the same he would kill Timothy after he was done telling lies.

“You heard her fall down! Of course! What acute fucking hearing, ain’t it Violet?” He was still holding me up, balanced against his hip. I nodded. “Well Tim, I think your presence here is no longer required. I’ll make sure she doesn’t fucking fall again, rest assured. Now fuck off.”

“Yes sir.” The guard scrambled away from us, but before he could go down a flight of stairs Negan had fired a bullet in the back of his head. It all happened so fast that before my mind could process the gun being pulled out, Timothy’s body was thumping down the stairs, spilling blood from his cracked skull everywhere. I put a hand in front of my mouth, not so much as a shock gesture than to prevent myself from being sick, and I hid my face in Negan’s shoulder where I would not smell or see any blood.

“Come on now, let’s get you inside darling.” He helped me until the couch, where I collapsed immediately. My heavy eyelids tried to close, but I shook myself wide awake.

I had an important announcement to make, and I would make it.

“I’d really fucking love it if you told me exactly what led up to me fucking shooting one of my guards, Violet. I’m fucking amazed at how good you are at being in trouble, honestly.”

I tried to speak, but my voice died in a croak.

“And what the fuck happened to you Violet? I stop looking at you for some time and you fucking turn into skin and bones?”

“I acc-” Again my voice died before I could finish, and I coughed.

“Come again?”

“I ac-cept… your proposition.”

There was a bit of stunned silence, while he was either processing my sentence or thinking of something witty to answer. As the silence stretched and became really awkward for me, I went to say something but he just silenced me by moving closer to me, crouching to my level.

He said nothing, but the look in his eyes covered all the information, revealing the disbelief and actual joy he was probably feeling right now.

He put his hands on both sides of my face, his thumbs stroking my cheeks so softly, it was hard to believe he was actually commanding them; how could he have shot a man in cold blood with those same hands, it was above me.

 

Negan, I realized it now, was not just cruel. He had his sides, like everyone else, and only he decided which ones he would show and which ones he would hide. The man everyone knew and that I had seen almost unintermittently since my arrival was probably only 80 percent of his personality. But underneath the brute, there were also those 20 percent of good man which were hiding to protect themselves. I had seen glimpses of that good man, for example when I had blacked out near the fence and he had taken me in, but the smug and brutal side was blocking the way the rest of the time.

I knew the good man was in there too, as he brought my face closer for an impossibly gentle kiss like I had never received and would never receive again.


	7. Play Your Part

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey folks! I'm sorry about the long silence! Life has been quite hectic in the past months, and I've been too busy to take care of this story. I'm still on it, so if you like it, you don't have to worry about it being abandonned.  
> I hope the wait was worth it, do tell me if the new content didn't quite meet your expectations.  
> This chapter's special thank you goes to user Saudade_Sehnsucht for commenting on the previous one!
> 
> With no further announcement, enjoy!  
> Faithfully yours,  
> ~SB

_I had seen glimpses of that good man, for example when I had blacked out near the fence and he had taken me in, but the smug and brutal side was blocking the way the rest of the time._

_I knew the good man was in there too, as he brought my face closer for an impossibly gentle kiss like I had never received and would never receive again._

 

I pulled away from him, looking down at my hands, but he still had his eyes fixed on me, with absolute adoration written all over his facial features. It was chilling to see him look so different from his usual self, and I couldn’t stand looking at him, looking away instead.

“What made you change your mind?” I was about to answer, but he spoke above my voice. “Actually no, I don’t want to know. We were having a fucking moment here, and I would really fucking hate to break it.”

 

 _Later_ , I promised myself, _we’ll talk about it, and he will grant me what I want_.

“I know I probably haven’t proved myself a poster fucking boy for niceness, but you can trust me when I say I will take care of you, Violet. You’ll be queen of this fucking dumpster; how does that sound?” His smile went from one ear to another, but my mind was elsewhere. “Why the long fucking face?”

“I just need to know what I’m signing up for. Exactly what.”

“I just told you: you’ll be the fucking queen, there will be no God damn rules applying to you in this place!” He was about to continue, but I spoke up.

“What do you expect from me?” His eyes locked into mine for a few silent seconds, then he placed his palm on my cheek.

“You’ll be my wife. You’ll be expected to behave so, and that means no fucking standing up to me in front of anyone, no going against my orders, and of course absolute fucking loyalty. Not sure why you’d ever want to fuck one of the fucking pigs in this camp, but I prefer to make that clear. As for the burning question on your mind, we’ll have sex like any married folks.” I felt my cheeks heat up a bit, but maintained my gaze. “I understand why you’d have some issues with that, but if you can’t do it then I’m sorry to say our engagement is fucking off.”

“Isn’t that blackmailing?”

“Maybe that’s what they fucking call it where you come from, darling. Here it’s just… terms and conditions.” He smirked, visibly happy with himself, and I squinted my eyes.

“And when do I get to negotiate my terms and conditions, then?”

He looked at an imaginary watch, then back at me. “You have five minutes, starting now.”

“You will ensure that me and my brothers are well-treated and well-fed at all times. The point system doesn’t apply to us from now on.” He nodded. “You will not force me into having sex or even doing something I’m not comfortable with.”

“That would be rape. I expected you to think more highly of me,” he protested and rolled his eyes, but nodded.

“You will not harm me, ever.” I look at him expectantly, but he was still looking bored.

“Your time’s almost up, you better cut the shit out of your list, sweetheart.”

“You will free Julian.” The words had come out really fast, as I really needed to get it off my chest. His answer was quick to follow, but not surprising.

“No.”

“Negan, please-”

“I said fucking no.” His tone was way harsher and I flinched, fearing an outburst of violence. “Your brother is only getting his just fucking deserts, and he will get back when he fucking learns his place, not before.”

“Promise me you won’t kill him, at least. Please, promise me.”

“What would killing him bring me? I’d lose hands, help, and my fucking credibility. I don’t want to take the easy road with him, and if he has to spend years in that cell to fucking learn his lesson, you can be damn sure he will, because I will fucking _break_ him.” He topped his sentence with a bone chilling smile, then got up. “As lovely as this was being, I have a place to run, so I’ll be on my way. I’ll send one of the girls in to take care of you.” And just like that, he was gone.

The door reopened a few minutes later, revealing one of Negan’s wives, a large black woman that I had seen on occasions but never talked to. Then again, I had never talked to any of them, or anyone apart from my brothers and Leah for that matter. She looked at me like some kind of curiosity, but there was nothing negative in her eyes; she was really just checking me out, probably mentally taking measurements or something similar.

“I’m guessing a size 36, tell me if I’m wrong,” she finally concluded after a few seconds.

“I was a 38 before all that, so you must be close to it,” I answered, and she cracked a wide victorious smile which even got me to loosen up. “My feet are size 37.”

“Such a skinny bird,” she commented, “I wonder where he dug _you_ up. And I sure hope you’ll tell me everything while I take care of you.”

I laughed through my nose, and followed her through the private quarters of the leader until we reached the wives’ loft. Annie -for that was how she told me to call her- left me in the bathroom, telling me to be thorough with my wash.

“Just say that I stink while you’re at it,” I joked, and she playfully scrunched her nose.

“But you _do_ stink, honey.”

I rolled my eyes, but didn’t protest. I suppose I had just gotten used to the smell of my own sweat and the gardens with time. I stripped out of my clothes and stepped into the shower, pouring the hottest water I could have all over myself, sighing in delight at the old familiar feeling.

“Don’t forget to shampoo!” yelled Annie from the other side of the door. Lined up on the rack, there were different bottles of shampoo and conditioner which each smelled more heavenly than the other. I poured three different products directly on my head, massaging my scalp and creating liters of bubble foam. The synthetic smells of exotic fruits and flowers were so overwhelming that I got a bit nauseous, but I blissfully welcomed the clean feeling I got immediately after rinsing my hair one last time. Annie barged into the bathroom right as I was wrapping myself in a towel, holding a rather large vanity bag.

“How about we make some magic here, skinny bird?” Not waiting for my approval, she pulled me out of the bathroom and onto a chair in the main room, where she proceeded to care for my hair. I felt very uneasy at first, since I hadn’t cared for my hair in years, and having someone touch and pull it backwards was a stranger feeling. The last thing I had done to my hair was chop it drastically when it had become too much trouble for me to keep, so it wasn’t exactly caring for it: Annie worked her “magic” for an infinite amount of time, during which another woman came into the room. She was younger than Annie but older than me with long blonde hair, and when she entered she seemed shocked to see me.

“My goodness,” I heard her whisper under her breath before disappearing. I gulped down, and realized I still wasn’t dressed, every inch of my skinny body that wasn’t covered by the towel exposed to eyesight. It was probably not the prettiest thing to see, considering my last good meal had been several months ago; I was really pale and almost greyish, my bones poking under my skin absolutely everywhere, and everything on me threatened to fall or break under the slightest pressure.

The blonde girl came back and handed me a sandwich, keeping another one in her hands.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I was just… surprised… seeing you here and-”

“It’s fine, I don’t take offense,” I simply said, which seemed to appease her. “I’m Violet, by the way.” I put my hand out for her to shake, and she slowly did so before releasing me.

“I’m Amber,” she answered, even smiling a bit. I smiled back, and bit into the sandwich she had given me, trying not to look like an animal. The flavors exploded in my mouth, and once more I felt a bit nauseous but swallowed it anyway, taking another ravenous bite right behind until there was no more peanut butter or jelly left to see.

“I made another one if you want it,” Amber shyly said, handing me the other sandwich. My mouth still full of bread, I nodded and took it from her hand.

“She’s trying to make you fat,” commented Annie from behind me, “I wouldn’t trust her if I were you.”

“I still have some catching up to do,” I remarked in between bites, “so I’m not really worried about that.”

“So, I’m proud to announce that I saved most of your hair!” Annie handed me a mirror and showed me the results of her work. My hair was a bit shorter than previously, but it was straight, neat and the red of it was flaming, just like it was in my better days before the Apocalypse. I had to put down my sandwich to touch it, incapable of believing that it was real.

“How-how did you do that?” I realized I was actually tearing up. “You weren’t lying about the magic...” I sobbed again, but smiled when I noticed Amber was looking worried. “Thank you so much.”

“You can cry now, but once I’m done with your makeup, there shall be no tear to mess anything up, alright?” She pulled me into a hug, patting away the last sobs of happiness I was letting out. “Are you done?” I pulled away and nodded, wiped my nose on the towel and took back my sandwich to finish it. Annie sat in front of me and pulled out her makeup set, ready to work more of her enchantments on my face. It was very weird feeling the tickling of the brushes on my eyelids and face as she brushed the makeup around. I passively allowed her to do what she had to, executing everything she told me to facilitate the task. She finished with a dab of lipstick, and took a step back to look at her final work.

“Perfect,” she whistled. Amber look pretty impressed as well, and I anxiously looked into the mirror. My breath got stuck into my throat: it had been years since I had last looked at myself and thought that I was actually looking good, but I simply couldn’t look away this time. My skin looked smooth and even, there were no bags under my eyes or peeling dry skin in sight, and my eyes had never been greener than they were at this moment.

“Perfect,” I repeated, and I meant it.

I don’t know how long I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Probably too long for it to be socially acceptable, but I couldn’t have cared less. I would cherish this moment for a long time, as the first time I felt like a woman -Hell, like a _human being_ \- again.

“You better have an outfit that’s going to go with everything, or I’m going to be really disappointed in you, Annie.”

She smiled and disappeared for a moment in the other room, to reappear with a wonderful long-sleeved dress. “This one should be your size, maybe a bit bigger but you’ll get to fill it with time,” she assured me. “No crying! You promised!”

“It looks beautiful, oh my goodness,” I whispered, carefully touching the soft burgundy fabric. I hadn’t seen anything this beautiful ever since the beginning of the Apocalypse, and back when my life was normal it would have been the kind of outfits that would have caught my eye immediately in a window. Annie handed me the dress, along with underwear and tiny heels shoes, and I closed the bathroom door behind me to get changed. Like she had warned me the dress didn’t fit perfectly, the sleeves and waist being a bit too loose, but I couldn’t have cared less. I was wearing the most beautiful dress I had ever owned, and I was the most beautiful I had ever been and would probably ever be in my entire life. After looking at every single angle of myself in the mirror, I finally got out to show the others, even twirling like a silly child to show off the dress.

“Wait ‘til he sees you! The man will not be able to hold himself up after you strike him,” joked Annie. Suddenly, it was like the little makeover bubble around me had collapsed, as I remembered why I was here getting all dolled up. Ben was sick, Julian was in prison, and I was going to marry a psychopath to ensure our safety. It all hit me at once, and I sat down, all traces of my previous joy gone. Amber crouched to my level, but unlike what I expected she didn’t offer any sympathetic smile. She just looked at me dead in the eyes, her pretty face set in disapproval. “

“Why are you doing this?” she asked me. “Why are you marrying him?”

“Because… I need the points,” I admitted.

“So do I,” she told me. “And so does Annie, and so did Sherry, and so did most of the others girls here. You don’t have a choice, Violet, so suck it up.”

I was very surprised at her straightforwardness, but even more surprised that it worked to make me feel better. I had to do this. There was no other options, so I just had to play my part. After all, I was never one to go for the easy way.

We got married just like you would expect weddings happen in the Apocalypse, me in my unsuitable, borderline-slutty although beautiful dress, Negan in his usual white shirt, leather jacket combo. Thankfully, he had lost his terrifying weapon for the occasion, but his holster was still tied around his hips as we exchanged vows. The Sanctuary didn’t have a priest, or a church for that matter, so it was Simon who married us in the biggest factory room, in front of the entire community. As if the humiliation wasn’t bad enough, Negan had Ben parade from the back of the room up to us with the ring I would receive; as much as I hoped he didn’t really understand what was going on, I knew he understood absolutely everything and that he resented me for it. The overall ceremony resembled a normal wedding, except much more ridiculous, humiliating and insulting.

I had always pictured my wedding day as the most beautiful day of my life; like every girl, I wanted my significant other to look me in the eye and pronounce their solemn vows, in a serious tone which guaranteed that they would respect them. And in return, I would have promised the Earth to this person, because they would have been the only person deserving of it.

This blessed day would never come. My wedding vows would forever be engraved into my mind, like a scar that can never heal.

“I, Violet, take thee, Negan, to be my husband; to love, to cherish, and to obey, til death us do apart.” Every word, every syllable, was torture to spit out, stinging my tongue like venom and burning my stomach in rage. There was a fire inside me, consuming every last bit of my pride and joy, leaving nothing but a desire for revenge.

“You may now kiss the bride.”


	8. Pride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG. I haven't updated in forever, but I got incredibly busy with my uni work. I'm really sorry for such a hiatus, and I hope you're still following this! I also hope you like what I've written. If you do, tell me in the comments sections!
> 
> Yours faithfully,  
> SB.

“ _I, Violet, take thee, Negan, to be my husband; to love, to cherish, and to obey, til death us do apart.” Every word, every syllable, was torture to spit out, stinging my tongue like venom and burning my stomach in rage. There was a fire inside me, consuming every last bit of my pride and joy, leaving nothing but a desire for revenge._

 

“ _You may now kiss the bride.”_

 

I had not slept all night, my mind actively replaying the events which had led me here, as well as planning escape routes which could all but succeed. With Negan’s arm draped around me, I felt trapped both physically and mentally, and I laid completely still and silent until the daylight reappeared. After putting away my irrational evasion thoughts, I thought glumly of my brothers, who were probably having a terrible night as well. Julian had evidently not been brought to assist to the wedding, and I was almost thankful for it: maybe he still had a bit of faith in me, maybe he still hoped that I was out there, planning our getaway. But could the same thing be said about Ben? My sweet, pure-hearted little brother had turned into a hard, unreadable boy who had nothing to do with his own self anymore. If our parents could have seen him now, they would probably not recognize him. Hell, would they even recognize any of us anymore?

A sigh escaped my lips, and tears slipped out of my eyes. What was there left to hope for, after the last couple of weeks? I sniffed and wiped my face, and as Negan shifted beside me I quickly faced the other way, closing my eyes.

“Violet?” he asked, his voice still full of sleep. “You awake babe?”

I remained silent, simulating sleep. I could not deal with him. Later, I would have to, but right now I really couldn’t and I was glad to be able to avoid it. The covers moved as he sat up, and I felt a cold breeze on my bare skin, inadvertently shivering. He chuckled, muttering something along the line of “my bad” which didn’t sound apologetic at all, and placed a kiss on my shoulder. It took everything in me not to move an inch. My lack of reaction must have driven him away, as I felt the cover get back on me, and some movement was heard around the room. The door opened and closed, and silence fell again. I rolled in the now spacious bed, facing the ceiling and lost in my thoughts once more. I don’t know how long I stayed there, or if I even fell asleep, but a little timid knock on the door disturbed me.

“Yes?” I croaked, sitting up and holding the covers to my chest. The door opened to reveal Amber, the blonde girl I had met yesterday, carrying some food. Our eyes met, and in hers I read all the questions she didn’t dare ask me.

“How are you?” she asked very softly, and before I could articulate anything I started crying uncontrollably. She put down what she was holding and came to me, holding me while I sobbed. It was ridiculous, yet strangely liberating. After years of bottling up my emotions, I was now letting it all go to a girl I had only met the day before. She seemed to understand, and let me cry as long as I needed to, even encouraging me to let myself go. She had been there before, after all, and she was one of the only people who could really know what it felt like.

“I’m sorry,” she repeated in a hushed voice, “so sorry.”

 

She let me calm down, still holding me in her arms, and when I was finally a bit better she asked me other questions. It was as though she had prepared everything, she asked about everything I actually wanted to talk about, avoiding the questions I wasn’t ready to answer. She stayed with me while I ate, mostly silent after we had discussed everything.

“How do you do it?” I asked.

“It gets better,” she assured me. “I know this is the lowest you’ve ever been, and you feel like you will never see the light, but I swear it gets better with time. His interest will falter over the weeks, and you’ll just be a part of his schedule. I know it doesn’t sound very glamorous...”

“Fine by me. The longest I am away from him, the better I will feel.” I push away the empty tray, tapping my stomach contently. “So what is there to do?”

“Well, you can join us in the boudoir after cleaning up,” Amber said, getting up. “We usually play cards, or read, or talk a bit.”

 

Play cards, read and chat? That would be my life from now on? I would even prefer to harvest the gardens under the terrible heat instead of doing this all day everyday. “What about going outside? Is it forbidden?”

Amber stopped in her tracks and looked at me cautiously. “It’s not… but why would you want to go outside for?”

“I don’t know… have some fresh air… maybe do some exercise for a bit?”

“But isn’t it precisely not to do it anymore that you married Negan?” I shuddered at the last words, still not used to hearing them together, and shook my head, feeling kind of insulted.

“No! I did it for my brothers, actually. And I want to see them. Yes, I think I’ll be going out today.”

“Are you really sure that you want to go out today? I mean… it’s all so new… people will be talking and-”

“I’ll let them talk. No gossip will stop me from seeing my family.”

 

Amber nodded, muttering “I see”, and left without another word. Her precautions should have alarmed me; after all, she had been there before me, so she knew what she was talking about. But after the events of the previous day, I wanted to see Ben and if it had had any impact on him. And who knew, maybe my new position would allow me to visit Julian in his cell? I threw on some comfortable cargo shorts and a simple tank top, just what I would always wear. I wasn’t ready yet to start taking care of myself again. Yesterday’s makeover had been a rare treat, but I didn’t feel like doing it all over again everyday, so I simply washed my face and tied my hair back in a high ponytail. I quickly laced my boots and left the room before anyone could try and stop me, running down the stairs precipitately. I welcomed the sunshine on my face, and walked around the canteen in hope of seeing my little brother eating as much as he pleased for breakfast. Since his quick trip at the doctor’s office after the incident in the gardens, he was staying indoors and eating more. As I couldn’t see him anywhere, I figured he was probably still in bed, so I went back to the men’s dormitories. He was sitting on his bed, seemingly lost in his thoughts, so I jumped next to him to jump-scare him. I playfully laughed and greeted him, but I lost both smile and laughter when I noticed he was crying.

“What’s wrong Benny?”

He sobbed a bit, and wiped his tear-stained face. “Someone.. s-spat on me this morning...” he sobbed again. “They...they said horrible things about you, Vi. I don’t want them to say this about you.”

“Oh, no, Benny…” I pulled him in a hug against my clenched chest. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry people are so mean. What did they say to you?”

“I don’t want to say it… I shouldn’t say it.” He didn’t really need to speak the words, I could imagine them with no trouble. How could I have been so foolish as to believe that no one would talk about me and my decision, and take out their frustration on Ben? I was sad, but mostly angry at the cowardice of these people, and soon enough I felt a desire for vengeance built up in me.

“Don’t say anything. Just come with me, and show me who did this to you, okay?”

 

I took him by the hand and dragged him back to the dining hall, where he scanned the crowd, and shyly pointed out a couple of people sitting together. I kissed him on the forehead, and told him to go eat something. Once he had trotted away to the line, I walked over to the people who had insulted him, and sat in front of them, a big smile on my face.

“Well, look who it is,” said a middle-aged woman, as a younger girl sitting next to her open wide eyes when she recognized me. “So you’ve decided to get down your ivory tower and meddle with the proletariat, did you Violet?”

“You shut your great mouth up, will you,” I snapped at her. “I’ve come to give you a first warning. Don’t you ever approach my brother again, understood?”

 

She chuckled, and flipped me off, while the younger one tried to stop her, pulling at her sleeve. “Understand that, Violet. Just because you hop on Negan’s dick doesn’t mean you can be the boss of us down here. Now fuck off, go running to your husband instead of facing your problems.” With that, she went back to eating, not taking into consideration the murderous gaze I had on her. If looks could kill, she would have been dead long before she’d opened her mouth.

“Oh don’t worry,” I mumbled, getting up. “I will.” My cheeks were still burning from the humiliation, but it was nothing compared to the raging fire burning in me.

 

On my way to Negan’s office, where I was almost sure to find him, I could now feel the looks of the people: sometimes fearful, mostly judgmental, but none of them comprehensive. I could now understand why Amber had insisted so much on me staying indoors, but now it was too late to regret it. Since I had made a pact with the Devil, I might as well use it for my advantage. Not even taking care to knock, I burst in through the door to find him in company of his trusted henchmen. His face lit up when he saw me, and he got up.

“Finally, someone I want to see in this damn office!” he said, signaling for me to come closer. “I thought you’d never fucking emerge from your beauty sleep. In all fairness, I kept you awake pretty fucking late, didn’t I sweetheart?”

I ignored his smug boasting and grin, the embarrassed faces of his acolytes, as well as the blush on mine, and went straight to the point. “Can I speak to you? Alone.”

“Uh-oh, did I fuck up already? You heard’ er boys, get the fuck out. The missus has things to tell me.” He didn’t need to say it twice, and the other men left without a word. “What’s up, precious? You got something bothering you?”

“People bothered my brother this morning. They spat and shouted insults at him. I want you to make them stop.”

He seemed taken aback, but shrugged and rolled his eyes. “Shit Violet, I can’t control all these idiots down there. If some crazy old woman decides she’ll spit on someone, I don't think there's anything I can do.”

I clenched my jaw. Why wasn’t he reacting?

“Yes, you there's something you can do. And you will do it. You’ve sworn me protection, to me and my family, and you fucking will do something.” Again, he seemed surprised. It wasn’t really often that I cursed like a sailor, but he seemed to have influenced me with his rough manners.

“You’re damn attractive when you’re angry, Vi, lemme tell you that,” he chuckled. “Alright, I’ll do something, don’t you worry. You take Simon with you and tell him who’s annoying you, he’ll know what to do.”

“Thank you, Negan.” For once, I was sincerely glad to be in his good graces, and I smiled genuinely.

“How could I say no to such a face?” He planted a kiss on my mouth, then shooed me out of the office, calling his men back in. I grabbed Simon by the arm before he could get in, and explained to him the situation.

“You feeling murderous today, Violet?” he joked. “What do you suggest we do to her?”

“Nothing too bad she won’t recover from, but nothing too light she won’t learn from. You get what I’m thinking? Don’t kill her, but make an example of her to the rest, you know?”

Simon’s thick mustache twitched as he grinned, and he nodded. “I think I do.”

 

Once in the canteen, he asked me who it was, then told me to stay back, but I insisted on coming. I wanted to see her understand her mistake, I wanted everyone to understand that crossing me or my brothers would be a terrible mistake. She was still at the table, chatting away with other women which had joined the table next to her and the young girl. Before she even realized Simon was there, he had yanked her by the arm, throwing her on the ground. Some people stood up to help, thinking that a fight was breaking out, but when they realized what was happening, they either sat back down or stood still, watching to see the outcome of all this. Simon kicked the woman several times in the gut, then dragged her away from the canteen by the arm. When I looked in the woman’s eyes, I saw nothing of the pride and hatred I had encountered a few minutes before. There was only absolute terror widening her pupils. Seeing that creature so afraid and sorry made my chest swell, but not in empathy. I could only feel pride in her heart, and a sense of complete satisfaction washed over me. Today, everyone would learn who I was, and how I ought to be treated. The screams of the woman echoed from outside, and the entire hall stood in stunned silence, no one daring to move an inch. I puffed up my chest a bit more, scanning the crowd defiantly.

 

I met the young girl’s eyes, the one who was sitting with the culprit: behind the fear and panic, and could see the utter disgust she had for me. I found that same look in a few people’s eyes, but most of them avoided my gaze. Most of them, including my little brother.

 

All the pride and satisfaction inflating me left at once when Ben lowered his gaze, frightened by my obvious lust for vengeance. Realizing what I’d done, I suddenly felt nothing but shame, and a sickness to my heart, and I had to leave the room urgently to vomit in a bush. I’d never been one for vengeance, low kicks, or payback through someone stronger than me. Using physical force especially was completely out of character for me. And feeling proud about all of this mess… I couldn’t believe what I had just done.

 

What was happening to me?


End file.
